yearend reflections

funny how December 31 easily turns up to be a deadline to everyone who keeps an online diary. it seems that we are "required to pass" a yearender - sort of the year that was in a nutshell.

needless to say, it is quite the tradition not only to bloggers but also to all those who put value in looking back and use every experience that he has to make a better version of himself.

2011 for me is, for lack of a more appropriate term, a rollercoaster ride. you know me well enough if you've been a witness of how I braved the roads of uncertainty, how I cried in the beginning, laughed from time to time, learned along the way, and shrugged them all off eventually. as this year comes to a close, I can definitely say that, to use the overused, "I am a stronger person."

it is very important to me that I am a part in the huge process of transforming people's lives. aside from my pupils, i'd like to believe that i've been a part of how people viewed things in a lighter note just because I tried to present their seemingly depressing situation differently. in more ways than one, talking people out of their larger-than-life problems has been therapeutic to me since i started doing it.

it is a shame that only after 22 years have I learned to really loathe being immature. one of the most important things that i learned this year is to actually stop being materialistic. this year introduced me to so many people who have undergone such very depressing plights in their lives that being materialistic would put me in such a great shame. this time, i finally learned to shake my head whenever i ask myself, "do you really need this?"

this was also the year that i leveled up in valuing relationships in my life. of course it's always easy to say that we value people and our relationship with them, but how many times have we lived up to that? i really make it a point to show everyone that i love that i'd choose them in a heartbeat given the chance. but if not, i turn to God and make Him speak in the difficult circumstance.

the most important lesson that this year taught me is to learn how to pray all the time. prayer wasn't defined as only a "please help me" from the very beginning. prayer is a conversation with God. if we cannot get a day done without conversing with our most favorite person in the world, remember that we cannot also get a day done without God's guidance. so it is just proper that we honor Him by talking to Him all the time - whether we are in the midst of drowning in stress, or in the midst of swimming in His blessings.

2011 brought me closer to God. it made me realize all the more that God is the most important part of my life. things got clearer when i started living out that belief. I really felt how God directed me when i felt most lost, and how God ushered me out of the most stressful days of this year. from deep within my heart, I thank You, God...

...for I believe You never left me, and You never will.

the sound of silence

it's always been quite the normal morning for me when I get up the earliest here in the desert. I feel really awkward whenever somebody else in the family's up before I am. I always enjoy the serenity of having to get up with the house almost all by myself, devoid of any hints of noise for that matter (except that annoying sound that the water heater makes, hinting us that it's already growing old).

it feels so surreal having to type my first blog using my new gadget. for those who know me well enough, you know that i'm not the type of person who would go after newly released gadget. i would only cry for it once it's badly needed. I think I found the time to say goodbye to transporting my big and heavy laptop to and fro Dasmarinas and General Trias. It's very inconvenient that I have to squeeze myself in a jampacked jeepney with a something as important and as heavy as my laptop. Of course I would have to keep it safe in our house in Dasma. I'm not going to discard it given that it's a graduation gift from my parents.

(let me just say this: I MISSED WRITING!)

What Saudi Arabia really allows me to have is this me-time: the time when I just literally stare at the television set with nothing important to do in mind, I can do things on impulse, and I can spend my time writing with keypads or with pens. The luxury of time to "waste" sitting and thinking and writing is something that I cannot really enjoy given the amount of work that I have in the Philippines. Take good note that this is not written in the tone of complaining. As a matter of fact, I get really thankful whenever I enjoy such a time as this.

Christmas is time to celebrate the coming of Jesus Christ. I've known that since I was in elementary, but I'll be really straightforward about this: I think it took me 22 years to understand what that meant. (Notice the absence of the word "fully" before the word "understand." I'd like to think that a person cannot "fully" understand something, as we always claim it. "Full" understanding is, I believe, attributed to God alone.)

Seriously, it doesn't matter to me anymore if there weren't any material presents this Christmas. Being with my family is more than enough gift for me. Being given the chance to transform lives as a teacher is more than enough gift for me. I could go on and on, but I know you already get the point. I have come to a point in my life this year that all I could do was just cry before I sleep for utter hopelessness and desolation, but lo and behold, I am standing here, able to thank my Creator for not letting me fall. I realized, as I always do at the end of every triumph or trial, that it's just a matter of faith.

We celebrate during Christmas time. We dance, sing, shout, and party. There's nothing wrong with it as tradition says this is the way we celebrate. Nonetheless, it pays off to spend a more quiet and serene Christmas. I would say this is the perfect time to reflect, thank God, feel His presence... for it is in silence that we detach ourselves from the world and commune with God in thought.

In the quietness of our hearts, let us say this little prayer:
Thank you God for sending your son... May You help us understand what this really means.

isn't it a little delusional

to dream of writing your own book and just sit around lazily for the last two months with no blog entries to at least stretch your sleeping creativity?

and here i am jotting randomly (if it wasn't that stressed enough), writing just to soothe myself, typing words "to compensate," and on and on my excuses go.

yet i really don't believe in "compensating" for lost time. what's lost is already gone, no matter how hard i try to repress the idea. and as the end of the year is approaching, most of what happened this year will also have to go with it... or most probably not.

i made a lot of huge decisions as far as this year is concerned, and believe it or not, when i ask myself if i did the right thing, i couldn't even come close to a decent answer. i don't want to get used to the idea that i'm just letting the clock tick without arriving at anything. in most days it's hard to accept but it's exactly what i'm doing.

to further strengthen the randomness of ideas herewith, i'd like to share that i started going to school again, taking the baby steps to my huge dream spelled as Master's Degree. i spent a few hours this morning rewriting my notes to achieve organization.

to end this blab in a slightly directed view, i hope everyone in the Philippines is enjoying the holiday.

(and i hope to write a more sensible blog before the day ends. ciao!)

the secret spice

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Matthew 19:14

the passion that drives me to be excellent in front of the class everyday despite lack of sleep, stress, and homesickness is...

...the steadfast belief that God sent me here on earth to spread His love through teaching different subjects inside the classroom.

HAPPY WORLD TEACHER'S DAY!

standpoint

it feels so dry to not have written something really sensible for almost two weeks now. the writer in me already seemed like a thick slimy green monster that screamed so hard when it realized that even his best efforts could not afford him to get out of the thicker black bars of prison.

and yes, even the words written above would not give justice to the feeling of not having to write anything. writing has always been my form of therapy. without it, i still feel a truckload of burden even if i already have diffused all my remaining energy just so all i want to release will come out.

ironically, when i already get this chance to write... everything seems so elusive. trite as it may sound, i really do not know where to begin. i guess this is the effect of having to suppress all my emotions and thoughts day after day without the words having to form into coherent paragraphs thereby helping me to knit the loose ends of my dear life...

like a normal, breathing grown-up (after all this time, i still would like to consider myself one), there are huge decisions that i have to make so that my life will continue to head in the right direction. oftentimes, i do find myself about to stumble - that I'd want nothing more than to stop, give up, surrender and go back. but then again, I ask myself, "Who's going to suffer defeat in the end?"

but if we're going to talk about stopping before God, giving up everything we have, surrendering our lives to Him, and going back to the words that he left to edify humankind... I believe that we are talking about acts of courage rather than cowardice... that we are doing acts that we need not think about... that we are treading no other than the path to victory.

i am not that young anymore to not see that another problem does come out minutes after I thought I already solved one. this life really never seems to run out of problems to solve. but in the vastness of this world, and in the midst of realizing that i am not the only person who encounters problems day by day, really... who am I to complain?

whenever I think of somebody who will never leave me nor forsake me...

whenever I think of somebody who is all-powerful who loves me beyond my imperfections...

whenever I think of somebody who embraces me when I feel so down, alone, and problematic...

I cry of utmost reverence, knowing that however minuscule the world may think of me,

there is always a GOD who treats me like a royalty.

and then i tell myself, nothing should ever put me down.

my faith is enough for me to conquer.